Online dating: what to do when you get bored of the online chatting

The trials and tribulations of online dating is something most single people face. I’m ok with the online thing. In some ways it’s easier to get a feel for whether you will like someone if you have had a bit of chat before meeting up. I’ve met great guys this way and some remain friends. What I’m not ok with is the men (I’m sure also women) who seem to just want to chat and never get to the actual dating.

This chatting is good

As I said, chatting is good. It allows you to figure out if you will have something to talk about. It also lets you sift out the total nutters. Yes there are plenty. The main thing here is the need to sift out people who you just won’t fundamentally click with because you just have different values and beliefs that won’t merge. A good example is the men with a chip on their shoulder about women. I have no interest in men who have chips for shoulders…much preferring a good shoulder line and cheery outlook on life.

This chatting is getting boring

There’s a point in time where you feel like “just get on with it”. I think a couple of weeks is max. At that point if you haven’t decided to meet up, why are you still chatting? What are you even chatting about? The “hi how’s your day going” starts to get boring. When this has happened to me I start to get irritated by requests to tell someone I don’t actually know yet how my day is.

The worst examples are the ones where you set a date but it gets cancelled. This recently happened to me. Once by him and then once by me. I said (by message) this is just not going to happen and by that point I didn’t see the point. But, no surprise for a serial chatter, he kept on chatting and kept on saying that we should really meet up. Which is fine. But it also isn’t fine at the same time. So in the interim, I did start dating. Just not him. Again this is fine. We are now in an age where we (I probably mean UK we) don’t see anything wrong in dating a few people at the same time. This never used to happen when I was young. It would have been frowned on but thankfully that is no longer the case. It’s all about keeping the options open as long as you can deal with closing them down when you want to give just one person a chance.

I’m done with this chatting

I really do wonder at people who use dating sites for online chat. The above example seemed to be annoyed when I told him I had been dating someone that I wanted to give a chance; and so I didn’t want to continue chatting to him. He called me superficial. This made me chuckle for the humour in irony. I don’t think he was chuckling but hey ho. I think the trick for this is to not feel emotionally connected or in some way obligated. In reality how can people feel obligated without a personal connection. You don’t get a personal connection online. I think he maybe did make that mistake though and so was upset when I dropped him. He said that my behaviour made him think he ‘dodged a bullet’. I figured if that made him feel better then keep on thinking it. It saves me having to chat to him :-). So my advice. If you think it just message and say it isn’t going to work and you don’t want to continue chatting. Then repeat this if you need to. Don’t get sucked into feeling bad about someone you don’t know.

That can be the downside with dating sites (the nutters, the online chatters) but it’s not their intention. The intention is for people to chat and hopefully meet to date, like (or dislike), continue (or not) dating and to get to know people. Actual people, not their online persona.

Dating is sometimes hard! But for single people it is just something we need to learn to navigate. The one I was ‘giving the chance to’ wasn’t the one. But at least we gave it a bit of a go before both realising we were not meant for bigger things. Now I am just wandering how quickly I go back on line and whether the ‘chatter’ will feel the need to tell me I was wrong. Thankfully that is what there are blocking buttons.

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Why I keep certain men in my life: why do I keep these men in my life?

I have been chatting to my next likely internet date. This was fine, on messaging, until he phoned. Phoning makes it very real. It was a pleasant enough call and I think this will be, once we set something up, a good date – but it does make me reflect on my inability to get from the dating to the committing (for me that means some sort of actual relationship).

My reflections aren’t based on being wise or even having a Sunday philosophical mood. Its because I got a message from one of the three men in my life this morning and we have been chatting on WhatsApp throughout the day.

The Growler, The Banker and The Perfect Match

These are my three men. They are also named: complicated, complicated and complicated. It was the growler who got in touch today. They all do though at certain times and they all have something that holds me to them and them to me. Attraction, attraction and attraction.

The Growler

I met him around four years ago. He had chat and plenty of it and whilst he wasn’t my usual type (in the looks department) he had me with his dry humour and gruffness. Anyone who has met him has said he feels dangerous (its a sense they get). He isn’t. But he does have that look that makes him feel a little growly (its not an actual word but it is a good description). We dated for a good four months (good for me!) and then he disappeared but reappeared two years later. We dated again. Since then whether he is in Scotland or elsewhere (working in a pretty good job) we have always kept in touch and always got together when he is around. But it is inconsistent and he is currently living elsewhere so there is distance. But he isn’t a distant type of guy and so we regularly chat. He makes me laugh. It is a good thing.

The Banker

I met him around five years ago. Instant attraction and instant connection. He was definitely my type but also not my type – chiselled good looks and always suited in the best his money would buy. Investment bankers, I have found (am sure they aren’t all like this), are difficult. Almost childish in their egotistical need for everything to go their way. We had an amazing time for a year. To be fair, I say amazing time but I mostly mean in the physical sense. Then he moved back to London. We kept in touch (there is a theme with me) but we monumentally fell out. Probably due to his egotistical view of the world and slightly misogynistic tendencies. The banker was given another name for quite a while. A message this past Christmas saying he missed me and was sorry cancelled out the derogatory thoughts. So about once every month he gets in touch. There is distance and he can also be a bit distant. But he makes me laugh and, again, that is a good thing. He is strangely the safest man I keep in my life as he is the least likely man I would date again. Great! I can classify this one as a friend (who flirts a lot when in touch).

The Perfect Match

I give him this title with a clear bit of irony given we are not together; so in reality are not perfect for each other. But when I met him around three years ago now there was an instant attraction and connection which I have never had before and know is unlikely to happen again. Not at all my type but someone who has set me on a path of fancying a few red haired men (the guy off of Billions is a good example). A man who made my stomach feel butterflies. Egotistical and yet not at the same time. Just wrapped up in his own career which has taken him South. He was open about never having been good at or even interested in relationships. But there is some connection there and we keep in touch. This is the guy that I am most comfortable with although strangely he is more inconsistent and less comfortable than the growler. The growler gives me a sense of safety, the perfect match a sense of missing out. Maybe he is the one that got away. So now there is distance but he isn’t a distant guy. He is the worst for me as he is the one that I compare others to most.

A common theme?

Complicated, complicated and complicated. The safe but unsafe, the friend but not a friend and the perfect but imperfect match. I fall in with one, fall out with the other and fell for the third. All three very successful but to the detriment of their personal lives. Or maybe they are successful because they are not cut out for the commitments of a traditional personal life. That might be why they attract me as I am not they type to be settled and bored. The difficulty in all of this? My consistency of communication with these men make comparisons with new ones inevitable. If I were really to reflect on this I would say that this allows me to stay distant from others. I clearly like the distance offered by them. That amusingly makes me complicated. Life is funny that way.

Should I worry?

No! Not at all. Life is complicated. My love life is probably complicated. But it has been varied and it has been great. I could (if I was any good at that type of thing) write a very amusing book on the good ones, the interesting ones and the bloody drastic failure of ones. So call it ongoing research. If I find someone else who is great then that is a bonus (even if it is unlikely to be a final chapter). I’ll try and look forward to this next date in the name of research :-).

Dating on a Sunday Afternoon

I’ve been on a lot of dates. It comes with the territory of being single in Edinburgh. I’m maybe a little dismissive but I figure that at my age it probably needs to be worth it to get into an actual relationship. So when I arranged a Sunday afternoon (yep that bit of timing is important) the result was already concluded.

The right site. Is there even such a thing?

I might as well just admit it. POF! I know there are great guys on there (I’ve made great friends and dated a few over the last few years. But there are also plenty of, hmmmm, odd ones. To be honest though the men on Match are not really different so why pay. This may be a mistake but I’m not the most committed dater due to work taking up most of my life. What the hell.

The right man? Yes you can laugh at this bit!

It’s really hard. You get an image and a little bit of info. You also try and broaden out your taste as age teaches you that who you fancy isn’t the same person you decided to marry when young (and divorce and then pick similar men to be with, date, and break up with). The image isn’t always reality so you get good at making quick judgements. I regret some of the men I’ve done that with before realising that the ‘they aren’t right for me and my lifestyle’ decision was wrong once I’d moved on. What the hell, I probably wasn’t right for them either.

Then there’s the ones I’ve liked more than they have liked me and the guys who have liked me more than them. This is complete confusion. But back on the horse (or something like that) – I figured I would give this guy a go. But in a relaxed (no pressure way) by doing it on a Sunday afternoon. That way I couldn’t get drunk but could have a oh so relaxed glass of wine. That went wrong…he wanted to meet in a place no self respecting red wine drinker would go. Beer it was then!

The right date?

I’m ok at these as I can get on with most men. But I’m always nervous (hide it well) and never know what to wear. I ended up with jeans and a nice top. Edinburgh is pretty relaxed in dress code even on a Saturday night (if you are over 25) so this was a good choice. He was nice. Conversation was good and he had a lovely face. The rest didn’t match what I thought it would be. This is where I think I go wrong. The assessments in my head of things including: could I ever move in with him, would he cope with my lifestyle (city girl through and through), is he too needy, would my friends like him. All this is way too much pressure. Or maybe it’s the smart thing to do to save everyone time. This is bound to be why I’m single and a walking contradiction :).

Anyway it went ok…I just didn’t get the attraction vibe and neither did he. So I was really surprised to get a few flirty messages from him later. Today I just figure he had a few wines when he got home. No word at all today which is good (and bad for my ego). Does everyone go through this…or is it just me. I’ll just focus on yoga for the week (and wine at the appropriate levels)