Why I keep certain men in my life: why do I keep these men in my life?

I have been chatting to my next likely internet date. This was fine, on messaging, until he phoned. Phoning makes it very real. It was a pleasant enough call and I think this will be, once we set something up, a good date – but it does make me reflect on my inability to get from the dating to the committing (for me that means some sort of actual relationship).

My reflections aren’t based on being wise or even having a Sunday philosophical mood. Its because I got a message from one of the three men in my life this morning and we have been chatting on WhatsApp throughout the day.

The Growler, The Banker and The Perfect Match

These are my three men. They are also named: complicated, complicated and complicated. It was the growler who got in touch today. They all do though at certain times and they all have something that holds me to them and them to me. Attraction, attraction and attraction.

The Growler

I met him around four years ago. He had chat and plenty of it and whilst he wasn’t my usual type (in the looks department) he had me with his dry humour and gruffness. Anyone who has met him has said he feels dangerous (its a sense they get). He isn’t. But he does have that look that makes him feel a little growly (its not an actual word but it is a good description). We dated for a good four months (good for me!) and then he disappeared but reappeared two years later. We dated again. Since then whether he is in Scotland or elsewhere (working in a pretty good job) we have always kept in touch and always got together when he is around. But it is inconsistent and he is currently living elsewhere so there is distance. But he isn’t a distant type of guy and so we regularly chat. He makes me laugh. It is a good thing.

The Banker

I met him around five years ago. Instant attraction and instant connection. He was definitely my type but also not my type – chiselled good looks and always suited in the best his money would buy. Investment bankers, I have found (am sure they aren’t all like this), are difficult. Almost childish in their egotistical need for everything to go their way. We had an amazing time for a year. To be fair, I say amazing time but I mostly mean in the physical sense. Then he moved back to London. We kept in touch (there is a theme with me) but we monumentally fell out. Probably due to his egotistical view of the world and slightly misogynistic tendencies. The banker was given another name for quite a while. A message this past Christmas saying he missed me and was sorry cancelled out the derogatory thoughts. So about once every month he gets in touch. There is distance and he can also be a bit distant. But he makes me laugh and, again, that is a good thing. He is strangely the safest man I keep in my life as he is the least likely man I would date again. Great! I can classify this one as a friend (who flirts a lot when in touch).

The Perfect Match

I give him this title with a clear bit of irony given we are not together; so in reality are not perfect for each other. But when I met him around three years ago now there was an instant attraction and connection which I have never had before and know is unlikely to happen again. Not at all my type but someone who has set me on a path of fancying a few red haired men (the guy off of Billions is a good example). A man who made my stomach feel butterflies. Egotistical and yet not at the same time. Just wrapped up in his own career which has taken him South. He was open about never having been good at or even interested in relationships. But there is some connection there and we keep in touch. This is the guy that I am most comfortable with although strangely he is more inconsistent and less comfortable than the growler. The growler gives me a sense of safety, the perfect match a sense of missing out. Maybe he is the one that got away. So now there is distance but he isn’t a distant guy. He is the worst for me as he is the one that I compare others to most.

A common theme?

Complicated, complicated and complicated. The safe but unsafe, the friend but not a friend and the perfect but imperfect match. I fall in with one, fall out with the other and fell for the third. All three very successful but to the detriment of their personal lives. Or maybe they are successful because they are not cut out for the commitments of a traditional personal life. That might be why they attract me as I am not they type to be settled and bored. The difficulty in all of this? My consistency of communication with these men make comparisons with new ones inevitable. If I were really to reflect on this I would say that this allows me to stay distant from others. I clearly like the distance offered by them. That amusingly makes me complicated. Life is funny that way.

Should I worry?

No! Not at all. Life is complicated. My love life is probably complicated. But it has been varied and it has been great. I could (if I was any good at that type of thing) write a very amusing book on the good ones, the interesting ones and the bloody drastic failure of ones. So call it ongoing research. If I find someone else who is great then that is a bonus (even if it is unlikely to be a final chapter). I’ll try and look forward to this next date in the name of research :-).