Got stood up but my freezer is clean

Not exactly the title to get me SEO brownie points. I don’t really understand SEO so I’m sticking with it. This title also reads like an odd combination but there is an explanation. Basically I did get stood up. However the upside to this situation is that I cleaned my freezer. Confused? I’ll explain.

The Chancer

I have a guy I date occasionally. He messaged on Saturday to ask if he could stay for a night on his way to London. I said “sure”.

My nickname for him (to ensure anonymity) is ‘The Chancer’. If he ever comes across my blog he would definitely know as this is him to a tee. Pretty much because he is a complete chancer.

This is the main reason he is not my partner (we have discussed this). To explain a little more he is: funny, great company, and attractive. But he is also: unreliable, amusingly untrustworthy (some of his stories are outlandish) and a right pain in the proverbial. My summary position – I don’t want to marry him but an evening or two is soooo much fun.

The preparation

To prepare for a visitor your flat should look presentable. Surely? Well I lucked out here because everything was pretty clean. I hate cleaning (see previous post on this topic), but had done enough over the weekend so that my Tuesday visitor would not be negatively judging me. I think this is just good manners.

However one issue that felt outstanding and far too monumental a cleaning task for a Sunday night was the freezer. Large icicles, ice mountains and ice blocks had been forming (maybe over a long time) and the freezer door was not willing to stay shut. The door thing only appeared as an issue on Sunday.

Defrosting

There is no hidden meaning in this heading. I just figured I could not call my flat presentable if the cold was leaking out of the freezer.

As with all cleaning tasks, I am not sure whether any admission to lack of frequency will be frowned upon. I’ll just blurt this out then. I hardly ever defrost my freezer. I have stuff in it most of the time which makes this task seem impossible to do without waste. When I don’t have much in it I honestly can’t be arsed cleaning it. So it rarely (eek…years in between) gets done. That is probably an awful thing to admit.

So with the ice mountains threatening to affect my flat’s temperature I decided (either stupidly or luckily depending on your viewpoint) to clean it in preparation for ‘The Chancer’ appearing.

He never appeared…bonus

A little message popped up on my phone this afternoon. “I can’t make it…trip postponed”. This did not devastate me in the slightest. I had a long day and was running late in work and I needed wind down me time.

So arriving home at 7.30pm to pour a (little) glass of wine whilst dinner is in the oven I can’t help but feeling relieved. Yes it might have been fun. Yes he is funny. But I am tired, happy and hungry. I also have a sparkly freezer. A once in a long time event which deserves a glass of red to celebrate. A definite bonus!

Photo by Dev Benjamin on Unsplash

Mixed messages

There is one rule to have in dating. When you don’t think it would ever work – move on. For me the way to do this is to be clear about your feelings, give a reason why, understand their point of view and not be too upset at upsetting someone if it is the right thing to do. It’s better in the long run. I’m good with this rule (sort of…usually). I am old enough now not to get into a relationship just because it’s sometimes easy to fall into it without really being into it. Clearly over the last 2 weeks I have been rubbish at this rule.

The bloke

Funny, fun, and pretty fit. One of those guys who was great to date but amusingly frustrating at the same time. A chancer in life and in the stories he would tell me. Loads of reasons to like him but also loads of reasons to think ‘hell no’ – not for me in the long term. He said he wanted a relationship. In all honesty I think this is just something he felt he should say. He kind of wanted to move in with me. That was a red flag right there! I told him it was. This level of honesty appeared to just confuse him but hey, he was still a lot of fun.

Can’t we just date?

Hasn’t everyone experienced the situation where you like dating someone but don’t see it progressing? If you haven’t you are probably quite lucky because no matter how honest you are; it leads to mixed messages. It also ends up being a bit of a rubbish situation no matter which side you are on. It is ok that not everyone is for you or you for them. I suppose that’s just the reality of dating.

Can we stop dating?

After realising this with the ‘chancer’ I decided to end things. It was still very early on and I figured it was the best thing to do. I was honest with him and said there was no point in continuing with things which de didn’t take badly at all. Great! I should admit that I did this by messaging him. I’m cringing at even admitting this and it doesn’t help that I said he could phone me to talk about it if he wanted to. How rubbish is that? Yep, pretty rubbish. First oops….but it wasn’t like I had seen him a lot (my attempt at an excuse for my awful behaviour). Nobody is perfect 🙂

The message

Before I started my health kick I had an evening where I had a few glasses of wine. I also had a pretty relaxed, clear of definitive plans, weekend ahead. Such a dangerous situation I know and I fell down the rabbit hole when my phone was unlocked and my fingers started tapping out a message. You will notice that I have disassociated my brain from this situation. Anyway the upshot was that I (in my wine soaked reasoning) thought it would be good to have a fun night out. I am definitely not perfect 🙂

The irony

He declined my offer but we had a laugh about it. Good on him as it was a right bloody cheek of me. In my (re-associated with my actions) brain, clear of any wine, I was glad it had all worked out without too much fallout. The problem is that we messaged back and forth after. So when I got a message from him to ask what I was up to this weekend I did have a slight panic. Tentative message back….no response…realisation struck (albeit a day later)! He drunk messaged me! Serves me right. He is definitely not perfect either :-). Dating is tough sometimes.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Online dating: what to do when you get bored of the online chatting

The trials and tribulations of online dating is something most single people face. I’m ok with the online thing. In some ways it’s easier to get a feel for whether you will like someone if you have had a bit of chat before meeting up. I’ve met great guys this way and some remain friends. What I’m not ok with is the men (I’m sure also women) who seem to just want to chat and never get to the actual dating.

This chatting is good

As I said, chatting is good. It allows you to figure out if you will have something to talk about. It also lets you sift out the total nutters. Yes there are plenty. The main thing here is the need to sift out people who you just won’t fundamentally click with because you just have different values and beliefs that won’t merge. A good example is the men with a chip on their shoulder about women. I have no interest in men who have chips for shoulders…much preferring a good shoulder line and cheery outlook on life.

This chatting is getting boring

There’s a point in time where you feel like “just get on with it”. I think a couple of weeks is max. At that point if you haven’t decided to meet up, why are you still chatting? What are you even chatting about? The “hi how’s your day going” starts to get boring. When this has happened to me I start to get irritated by requests to tell someone I don’t actually know yet how my day is.

The worst examples are the ones where you set a date but it gets cancelled. This recently happened to me. Once by him and then once by me. I said (by message) this is just not going to happen and by that point I didn’t see the point. But, no surprise for a serial chatter, he kept on chatting and kept on saying that we should really meet up. Which is fine. But it also isn’t fine at the same time. So in the interim, I did start dating. Just not him. Again this is fine. We are now in an age where we (I probably mean UK we) don’t see anything wrong in dating a few people at the same time. This never used to happen when I was young. It would have been frowned on but thankfully that is no longer the case. It’s all about keeping the options open as long as you can deal with closing them down when you want to give just one person a chance.

I’m done with this chatting

I really do wonder at people who use dating sites for online chat. The above example seemed to be annoyed when I told him I had been dating someone that I wanted to give a chance; and so I didn’t want to continue chatting to him. He called me superficial. This made me chuckle for the humour in irony. I don’t think he was chuckling but hey ho. I think the trick for this is to not feel emotionally connected or in some way obligated. In reality how can people feel obligated without a personal connection. You don’t get a personal connection online. I think he maybe did make that mistake though and so was upset when I dropped him. He said that my behaviour made him think he ‘dodged a bullet’. I figured if that made him feel better then keep on thinking it. It saves me having to chat to him :-). So my advice. If you think it just message and say it isn’t going to work and you don’t want to continue chatting. Then repeat this if you need to. Don’t get sucked into feeling bad about someone you don’t know.

That can be the downside with dating sites (the nutters, the online chatters) but it’s not their intention. The intention is for people to chat and hopefully meet to date, like (or dislike), continue (or not) dating and to get to know people. Actual people, not their online persona.

Dating is sometimes hard! But for single people it is just something we need to learn to navigate. The one I was ‘giving the chance to’ wasn’t the one. But at least we gave it a bit of a go before both realising we were not meant for bigger things. Now I am just wandering how quickly I go back on line and whether the ‘chatter’ will feel the need to tell me I was wrong. Thankfully that is what there are blocking buttons.

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