You have to laugh

Short post but I am still giggling about it.

In the middle of a worldwide crisis, where we are only meant to go out for essential work, for food and for an hours exercise, I pick this very suitable moment to be stranded in my street without my house keys.

Oh yes – why would this not happen?! For someone so careful with keys, why not bloody lose them? Well in line with my usual defiance of the norm – my subconscious, or stupid conscious, figured this was the right time to do just that.

Saturday morning: spent cleaning (I hate cleaning) and washing work clothes for next weeks anticipated long hours.

Saturday late morning: Ooh I am finally an organised person even though it has taken a pandemic to kick my arse into gear.

Saturday lunchtime: I shall go to Tesco and buy my essentials. I will queue. I will encounter polite people (socially distant). I will encounter stupid people. I will get my stock of prosseco (alcohol is essential in Scotland and we will happily admit it), bread and woohoo I managed to get flour. As an aside – the flour will get used to bake stuff with. I should also add is clearly the measure of a crisis in my book. I baked last year and normally only do it every 10 or so years.

Saturday just after lunchtime: Where are my keys? I can’t get in my house if I don’t have them. This is not a good time to not have keys. My spares are with my parents who really shouldn’t be getting in the car and coming to my flat to let me in. So I swore (cursed). A lot. A lot of fucks were shouted at myself in the middle of Edinburgh. People probably heard me a mile away since it is pretty quiet now that people are staying indoors. I couldn’t care though. If ever there was a time to have a shit fit it is now!

Saturday just just after lunchtime: buzzed my neighbour after the realisation that since I locked my door on the way out my keys are most likely in the communal bin on the street along with my rubbish. A big bin (dumpster if you are reading this in certain areas). I am not tall. I would fall in and wouldn’t get back out. That would also not be a good situation in the current crisis. No one would touch me to pull me out. Shit Shit Shit! So my neighbour was shouted at to give me step ladders…NOW!!! More fucks shouted.

Saturday at a time I now want to repress: ladder in hand and continual swearing (cursing) loudly I head back out. A few folk are in the street with their shopping. They stop to stare. I don’t care! I open the big bin…I look inside…my fucking (sorry) keys are sitting just on top of the bin bag I threw in on the way to Tesco. Thank the anyone the bin was full enough and they had landed just right. They hadn’t snaked there way to the bottom of the bin. Hallleeehbloooodythankee.

Saturday at a time I now giggle about: So step ladder in hand which I no longer need – I now look like a mad woman. I was swearing like a mad woman. I give it a final hummmmppphh. A bit of a yaaaaaayyyyy. I refrain from doing a wee dance. I then take the ladders and my keys into my house and hide. I laugh. Fuck me if there is ever a time to have a key crisis it is not now!!

Header Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

A different sense of humour

Do we laugh or cry

Its a question people around me ask

The answer is always laugh

We laugh at the things no one else would

The dark humour is needed

When ‘our’ world is down to should

Should do the best

Doing our best

Feeling the same as a the rest

Of front line

But not in the same way as them, now us, or even everyone else (now us)

In the world of Facebook, WhatsApp and news – is there any point in watching it?

When we just keep moving

We just keep solving problems

We keep trying to get ahead

We don’t get ahead

But we never lose our head

Unless its in laughter

At the sheer inability to solve any pandemic disaster

Our comfort zone is in other adversity

So solving this problem is not the answer

Just moving forward will do

With a few (lots of) fucks, shits and “can do”

Can do anything

Thats the best thing

Being in my ‘world’ we literally can

As long as it involves inappropriate jokes

Chocolate and laughing

So fuck you COVID-19

Despite social distancing

Social Isolation

We are still laughing

Even when we shouldn’t

Photo by Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash

New Year Resolutions

Why do it to ourselves? Why not? There is something kind of wonderful about thinking of all the things we want to do, to achieve. There is also something kind of awful about listing them and then feeling the pressure of near inevitable failure. At least all of these are feelings. Feelings are a great way of knowing you are still alive, that you are human.

Past attempts

I have had some great ones over the years and I might just add them back into this year.

• Buy four bottles of champagne per month and consume one of them whilst having a bath.

Maybe you shouldn’t listen to this one for health and safety reasons. I was younger at the time and it felt decadent. I achieved it for a whole year. Moet was my tipple at that point. I think my champagne tastes have increased in cost. Thank god for the Prosecco being reasonably priced and a preference for a good red.

• Don’t use the cooker until at least March

Maybe you shouldn’t listen to this one for nutritional purposes. No it wasn’t the same year as the champagne.

I tend to get to mid way through February as I have a tiny kitchen that I am not sure has much purpose. Apparently others think so too. I got Christmas text from the chancer. It was rambling – how he saw me and knew I was the one for him, how he knows I have to live my life and not be too tied down and blah blah blah. No mention of the fact that I told him I wasn’t interested and, given the fact he never turns up, this was unlikely to change. I was already snorting with laughter when the second text came in rapid succession. It read “your kitchen has always bothered me tho”. That had me rolling around. Mainly because it, and he, has never bothered me.

• There have always been the gym ones, the healthy ones, the weight ones, the muscle ones.

A new list for the new year

Possibly. If I must. Here it is with the caveat that it is open to failure, success and adaptation.

• Buy a new dress every month. Don’t buy new heels every month (I have enough of them).
• Try not to use the cooker until at least March.
• Always have painted toe nails (colour can vary).
• Do a proper handstand. Not a kick up one…a graceful (this will change) lift up yoga one using my core.
• Work on my core.
• Stop finding chancers highly amusing.
• Build a little bit of muscle. Nice muscles, yoga ish type muscles.
• Lose any jiggly bits to show the muscle (I’ve never been skinny but I should avoid being overly curvy).
• Hope that with another year my boobs stay fabulous and don’t drop to my knees.
• Do a lot of chest presses on a raised bench to avoid the above.
• Have fun and laugh every day even if things are sometimes rubbish.

That was longer than I though it would be. This is the problem with lists. Apart from the fact I don’t like them they can go on for ever! I also seem to have fitness back in there. My list looks a little superficial. Possibly. I don’t mind though. I think the important things in life shouldn’t necessarily be the ones we make up for our New Years resolutions.

Disclaimer – I don’t promise to achieve any of the above….but I might have a little fun whilst trying. What are yours?

Photo by Jude Beck on Unsplash

Ever Embarrassed Yourself at a Party?

No? Just me then? Surely not? Surely everyone has. If you are going to do it though, just do it spectacularly. That way even if you can’t remember it, others will remind you of it for years to come.

Remind yourself

Reminders can happen at any time. Your friends will tell you the story of your debacle, spectacular debacle, more often than you might like. But at other times it just hits you. That distant memory. That ‘oh pants I did that’ moment. When this happens to me I usually have a slightly disturbing chuckle to myself.

Last weekend on one of my far too many nights out this festive period I bumped into my reminder. Whilst trying to hold it together on the last train home from Glasgow I saw a familiar face. Actually it was a familiar suit. A man in a suit. Not just any suit; a wildly flamboyant one, a noddy type hat and his bicycle. I should note that he must be the only person in the world who thinks that wearing that attire and taking his bicycle on the last train from Glasgow to Edinburgh (Saturday night) is a good idea. Good on him.

For someone so flamboyant he always feels unusually awkward to speak to. Anyway I said hello having been in his company, whilst he was dressed like a Christmas tree, the previous weekend. I figured we were at least acquaintances by this point.

Whilst talking I had a flashback. A definite ‘oh pants I really did do that’ flashback.

Memories are not always wonderful

So the memory….

I was at a party. Actually it was his. Hardly knew him at that point but it was at a venue owned by a friend. Quirky and broad range of party attenders which I think always calls for a broad range of….Prosecco.

Prosecco is not always a good idea.

So the venue had various rooms. It was a special birthday and he kept asking the owner to round people up for a birthday toast. This went on and on (in my vague recollection it did but it may not have!).

Why would I not step in. Booming voice later and people all gathered it was time. Except….

No one was doing the toast. They were all staring at me. I was staring back. Not like I knew him! OH PANTS!

Fake it. Just fake it. I talked about how wonderful he was. I am sure only the whole room noted the fact that the owner had to remind me of his name when I raised a glass and asked everyone to toast ….??…. You get the picture.

Prosecco is never a good idea.

Will there be more times?

Where there is Prosecco in the world there will be embarrassing moments.

I say embrace them.

If you don’t want to then crawl under that little rock. Just save me a space for my worst ones. They are probably yet to come.

Photo by Rebecca Wiggins on Unsplash

Getting chatted up

If you chat someone up then you are (according to the dictionary) speaking to them in an informal way because you are sexually attracted to them. Another example might be “he came on to me”.

Some people don’t believe me (you know who you are!), but I never really know when I am being chatted up unless it is pretty obvious. The pretty obvious ones seem to always be in the most un-obvious of places. Even then I sometimes only realise what happened a little later; usually when people are laughing at my account of the situation.

Do other people always know? Tell me how please! Is it a wink? That could just be a tick you know. A slight touch of the arm? They could just be one of those tactile people. Or are you like me and someone literally has to chase you around a building or matter of factly state that they like you (in a sexual not freindly way) to get your attention on the fact they just might fancy you?

For someone who thinks they are really good (I am really good) at figuring out other peoples behaviours I have a massive blind spot when it comes to myself. At least I can laugh at this deficiency. After telling my ‘chatting up’ story this week I figure why not share a couple of them!

Funeral

An odd heading – yes. An even odder situation – definitely. Oh gawd if anyone who knows this person reads this I am really screwed as it was recently.

What the hell. So……

I went to a funeral of friend of mine who lost someone close. He gave me the details and so I was there. My intention? To show support to him as a friend, to sit in the back, quietly pay my respects and then leave quietly after giving him a wee nod.

I should put a disclaimer on this one. I am not 100% sure this was a chat up but in a dark humorous kind of way it probably was. Maybe… was. If it wasn’t then it was just weird.

I was quietly waiting to go in when I got a tap on the shoulder. Hi are you here alone he said. Trying to be polite (whilst answering an obvious question) I said yes. The chat continued. I find it awkward chatting during sombre events which my face probably conveyed but he persisted. Initially this seemed ok as it was the usual how do you know such and such, this is how I know such and such.

Until…. “So what is it you do?”

Stop right there. Was it just an awkward question? A tick? A wink? The next statement floored me. When I said what my job was the response was “I am in batteries”. Quite honestly what do you do with that statement. Trying not to laugh given the situation I said…after quite a long and awkward silence…”oh”. There was more awkward chat. I managed to run away to the back of the church.

Was it a chat up? In a slightly reluctant way I think yes. This probability was increased somewhat when my mate messaged me later to say thanks for coming. He ended with a “I heard you met x”.

Thankfully I know he would find this funny. But why me?!!! Maybe it was just an awkward conversation.

Meeting

Longer ago. A meeting is even worse than a funeral in my book. Work relationships are just not a thing for me. Wonderful that others have met their ‘one’ at work. I just never touch work people. Its like a rule in life.

At the end of a meeting a man who was probably a good 15 – 20 years older than me asked me to go for coffee. My first response was if you want a coffee I’ll go make you one. His response was awkwardly “no….would you like to go for a coffee”. Eh? Stop! Oh shit!!! He repeated this a few times before the penny dropped.

Whilst the penny was dropping he obviously decided he needed to be direct. He said he was asking me out.

My response was equally obvious. “No”! I repeated this a few times before the penny dropped with him. The worst and most funny thing about this was that he actually asked me why I said no. WTF! So in an equally funny and not funny way I said that he was not my type, that he was far too old for me, and I would never want to date him. No point at that point of trying to be subtle.

Having missed out the unattractive comment that was on the tip of my tong I thought I did well. He said “Oh well…I am glad I asked”. I, for the record, wasn’t.

On my return from the meeting a colleague noticed my ghostly white and pretty shocked face. He took me aside to make sure I was ok. I told him about the incident. The only (and best response) he could give was to actually roll on the floor laughing whilst trying to belt out Dionne Warrick’s ‘heartbreaker’. Git! Funny git though. Whenever I see him he still sings this.

Just the two

I have more. Not in a – I get chatted up lots way. Just in a.. that was a bloody awkward and hilarious situation in life. Actually if I do get chatted up more I wouldn’t notice it. Going back to my original question, how do you know!!?